Emotional triangles in childhood – and the price in our adult relationships

Sivan Avni
May 2
3 min read

How do the dynamics in your parents' home affect your relationship?

Who "holds the emotional space" in your relationship?

A deep, stable, and emotionally connected relationship requires us to know how to hold space for our partner – to listen truly, to feel for them, not to run away or solve. But what happens when our childhood taught us that it wasn’t safe? When, from a young age, we had to emotionally support a parent, or hide our feelings so as not to be a burden?

This blog will delve into the crucial understanding of how childhood emotional triangles—charged and unbalanced relationships between children and their parents—continue to influence our adult relationships. This comprehension is pivotal in recognizing how these triangles disrupt our ability to hold emotional space and learning how we can heal and build a relationship of reciprocity, presence, and worthiness.

Understanding how emotional triangles in childhood affect our relationships is a potent tool in taking control of our emotional dynamics.

An "emotional triangle"

The need to be the "savior":
If you were the child who always comforted Mom or protected Dad, you may feel that you have the emotional responsibility in your relationship. You will find yourself “fixing,” carrying, and supporting—even when painful.
Avoiding expressing complicated feelings:
In families with no room for anger, fear, or sadness, we learned to hide them. In relationships, we continue to hide them, so as not to shake up the system. But this avoidance takes us far.
Ignoring our emotional needs:
Growing up in a home where we were expected to sacrifice ourselves, it's hard to believe we also deserve to receive. Change is possible despite the emotional triangles of childhood that may have instilled an unbalanced sense of responsibility, a fear of closeness, or a lack of faith in our worth. We remain in one-sided giving until our bodies or hearts break.

Case story from the clinic:

How Yafit and Ron learned to hold mutual emotional space

Yafit and Ron (pseudonyms) came to me because Yafit felt like she was "holding all the emotional space in the relationship alone," Ron felt like she was trying to solve everything for him, instead of simply being with him.

Looking at their childhood, we saw the root: Yafit grew up with a very dependent mother, and she became the “caregiver” in the house. Ron grew up with a father who avoided all emotion and learned to distance himself from the pain.

They could begin to change only after understanding the source: Yafit learned to listen without rescuing, and Ron learned to stay present even when in pain. They both started building a new emotional space with room for both.

How do you create a healthy emotional space in a relationship?

How do you create a healthy emotional space in a relationship? It's not a question of 'how' but a matter of choice. Here are three basic principles to empower you:

Listen without correcting

When your partner shares their pain, don't jump straight to advice and solutions, but be there until they are silent with kind eyes.

Express your vulnerability

Anger, fear, sadness—these are legitimate emotions. When you express them with courage, you are not burdensome—you are present, and that heals the relationship.

Choose to support – not out of obligation, but out of love.

You don't "have to" hold space for your partner – it's a choice. And when you choose it with love, you don't get worn out. It gives us back a sense of value and balance.

The Couples Practice Corner

With these two exercises, you can apply the three principles:

Exercise 1 – "Listening with good eyes" (14 min.)

Sit across from each other. Each person speaks for five minutes without interruption. The other party listens. Finally, one question is asked: “How can I support you?” Then, they take turns.

Exercise 2 – Emotion Diary (3 minutes a day)

Write down what you feel every evening, without censorship. On the weekend, share. It brings us closer and teaches us to know our inner world.

Summary:

Recognizing and agreeing to feel is not just a step; it's a transformative leap that can change the dynamic of our relationships and offer hope and optimism for a better future.

Like a tree that leaned to one side following the winds of childhood, you, too, can stand tall today and grow into a new space with room for everyone.

The emotional triangles of childhood may have instilled in us an unbalanced sense of responsibility, a fear of closeness, or a lack of faith that we, too, deserve a place. But when we recognize the pattern, we can choose differently. It is a process, and it is possible! If you want to delve deeper, I invite you to an Online couple process with me.

Sivan Avni – Couples therapy combines Family Constellation and Differentiation