How do family triangles affect parenting and relationships after childbirth?
- Sivan Avni
- Apr 3
- 4 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
When the Family Expands, the Triangles Awaken
The birth of a child is like a tide: it brings joy and celebration, but it can also surface old patterns of anxiety, insecurity, and conflict. It’s a moment that many of us experience when our past family triangles begin to stir and influence how we manage our partnership and parenting. In this article, we’ll dive deep into the link between family triangles and the dynamics of couplehood and parenting after birth. We'll learn how to release their adverse effects to create a balanced, supportive, and loving parenting and couple experience.
How Do Family Triangles Govern Us After Childbirth?
Family triangles influence our parenting in three ways, unconsciously guiding our behavior, thoughts, and reactions toward our partner and children. Let’s look at three ways these triangles affect our parenting and our partnership:
1. Shifting Conflict into the Parenting Realm
A typical pattern is to transfer unresolved couple conflicts into the parenting sphere. When tension exists between partners, they may “use” the children as a third party to diffuse stress. One parent might spend excessive time with the kids to avoid confronting marital issues, or pour disproportionate energy into parenting to compensate for couple difficulties.
2. Competing for the “Better Parent” Role
Family triangles can make us feel we must prove we’re the better parent. This often shows up as criticism, comparisons, and focusing on our partner’s “weaknesses” instead of working together as a team. The result is a sense of rivalry and competition that drives us apart and undermines our co‑parenting partnership.
3. Total Devotion to Parenting at the Expense of the Couple Relationship
Sometimes family triangles dictate that we sacrifice our couple needs in favor of the children’s. We begin to avoid intimacy, honest communication, and couple time, believing that “good parenting” means devoting all our energy to the kids. This leads to disconnection and loneliness within the partnership, preventing us from feeling supported and connected.
A Case from My Practice: Dana & Roy’s Family Triangles and Parenting
Dana and Roy became parents to twins two years ago, and ever since, they’ve felt their relationship drifting apart. Dana was thrilled by motherhood but neglected everything related to their couplehood. She believed investing all her time in the children was the “right” way to be a mom, just as her mother had taught her. Roy, on his part, felt unseen and reduced to a “supporting actor” in their family.
In therapy, Dana and Roy discovered that they had brought family triangles from their past into their relationship. Dana had learned to ignore her couple's needs to please her mother, who was always self‑focused. Roy grew up with an emotionally distant father, which made him withdraw when he didn’t feel he received enough attention. A couple needs emotional support, quality time together, and shared responsibilities.
Once they recognized how these triangles affected their parenting and partnership, they could begin to let go of the old patterns. This involved acknowledging the influence of these triangles, discussing their impact on their relationship, and consciously changing their behavior and communication. By investing time and energy into their communication and intimacy, Dana and Roy rediscovered their need for one another. They built a parenting model based on partnership, love, and honest communication.
How You Can Release Family Triangles and Build Genuine Co‑Parenting & Couple Partnership
Here are the first three steps to help you create a balanced, supportive parenting and partnership experience:
Acknowledge the Sources of Your Family Triangles
Discuss how past family triangle patterns may influence your behavior as parents and as a couple. Awareness is the first step toward freeing yourself from these patterns.
Dedicate Time to Your Couple Relationship
Don’t let parenting drive you apart. Set aside regular couple time—even if it’s just sitting together after the kids are asleep, to talk about your day. Commit to this with the same dedication you give to time with your children.
Offer Mutual Support in Parenting and Your Relationship
Remember that you’re a team, not rivals. Instead of focusing on your partner's wrongdoings, look for ways to support each other. Share your feelings honestly and ask, “How can I support you today?”
The Couples’ Practice Corner
Here are two practical exercises you can start today:
Exercise “Heart‑to‑Heart Conversation”: Sit down together after the children are asleep and discuss how you feel about your parenting and relationship. What do you appreciate most about your partner as a parent? What would you like to receive more of in your couplehood? This exercise opens the heart and strengthens your connection.
Exercise “Mutual Support”: Each of you defines one specific action your partner can take to support you as both a parent and a couple. Then commit to carrying out that action during the coming week.
In Summary
How can we release family triangles and create balanced, loving parenting and partnership? Family triangles can become barriers that prevent us from experiencing a harmonious, supportive, and loving family life. But once we identify them and let go of their influence, we can build a co‑parenting and couple partnership grounded in genuine connection, mutual understanding, and love. There is always room for growth and improvement in our relationships.
If you feel that family triangles are impacting the way you manage your parenting and relationships, I invite you to join me in my clinic. Together, we can release these patterns and begin building a new co‑parenting and partnership model.
🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation
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