Creating a Couple's Vision: How do family triangles affect our ability to dream together?

Introduction: How do family triangles hinder us from dreaming and creating our shared future?

Every couple coming to my clinic begins with dreams of a life together, but quite a few find themselves in a situation where those dreams seem distant, forgotten, or unfulfilled. The reason for this is often in the 'family triangles', a term used to describe the complex interplay of relationships and influences between each partner and their respective families of origin. These triangles prevent us from creating a clear and authentic vision for our marriage, which should be born from the connection between us and not from the external influences of our families of origin.

In the final article in the Family Triangles series, we will explore how family triangles hinder our ability to dream together and learn how to release them to create a shared couple vision representing our desires, values, and aspirations.

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How do family triangles affect our ability to create a shared vision as a couple?

Family triangles can hinder creating a shared vision by introducing beliefs, expectations, or limitations into our relationship that we don't necessarily identify with. For instance, a partner may feel pressured to conform to their family's financial expectations, even if it means sacrificing their career aspirations. We feel stuck, disconnected from our future, or have difficulty imagining how we would like to build our lives together.

Family triangles affect the couple's vision in three ways:

• Adopting expectations and patterns that are not our own:

When we come from a family with rigid patterns about "what a relationship should look like," we may adopt expectations that don't reflect what we want or need. Family triangles can make us believe we must meet those standards, even if that's not what we want.

• Fear of change and breaking family conventions:

Family triangles can make us fear change or feel like we are “betraying” our family if we choose a different path. This fear can prevent us from taking risks or dreaming big, which prevents us from creating a true vision for our relationship based on our own and our partner’s vision.

• Avoiding talking about the shared future:

Patterns of family triangles can cause us to avoid discussing our future together, for fear of provoking conflict, tension, or disagreement. Instead of having open conversations about what we want to build together, we settle for relationships based solely on the “here and now.”

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A story from the clinic:

Ronit and Lior learned to create a couple's vision without family triangles.

After years of frustration, Ronit and Lior (pseudonyms) came to therapy because they wanted different futures. Ronit wanted to move to the big city and invest in her career, while Lior wanted to stay close to his family and work in the family business.

Ronit grew up in a home where her father left the family when she was a child. She feared she would feel dependent and exposed if she didn't invest in her independence. Lior felt that if he left the family business, he would disappoint his parents and remain the "bad son."

Once they understood the effects of family triangles, they could talk about their vision for their marriage openly, empathetically, and fearlessly. For the first time, they built a shared vision that respected both Ronit’s desires and Lior’s needs – and moved to the big city, but continued to maintain a warm and meaningful relationship with Lior’s family.

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Three steps to creating a clear and liberated couple vision:

1. Talk about our dreams and fears openly:

Sit down together and ask yourself: What is my biggest dream? What am I afraid of losing if I follow it? Share your dreams and fears with each other, and pay attention to what family triangles may have influenced them.

2. Create a shared vision based on our shared values:

Write down the most essential values to each of you, and try to see how these values can fit together to create a shared vision. This will help you build your future on mutual respect and love, rather than on what is expected of you.

3. Commit to small actions that will help us realize the vision:

Once you’ve created your vision for your relationship, commit to small actions that will bring you closer to it. This could be anything from planning a vacation together that symbolizes the change you want to experience, to setting financial goals that will allow you to realize your dream.

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Couples practice corner:

1. "Vision with eyes closed" exercise:

Sit together, and close your eyes. Each of you will describe how you imagine the future as a couple in five years – where do you live? What do you do together? What feelings come to mind? Then, open your eyes and share with each other what you imagined.

2. Exercise "Letter from the Future":

Write a letter together in which you describe your life as a couple in ten years, as if you were already there. Describe all the little details, such as where you live, what you do together, and how you feel about each other. This exercise can help you visualize and articulate your shared vision, inspiring you to work towards it.

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Summary:

How can we release the effects of family triangles and create a couple's vision based on love and respect?

Family triangles can limit and deter us from creating the vision of the couple we desire. But once we learn to recognize and release their effects, we open ourselves to the possibility of creating a future full of shared moments, mutual appreciation, and endless love.This shared vision can foster a deep sense of unity and harmony, strengthening the bond between partners.

Suppose you feel that family triangles are holding you back from dreaming and creating your vision for your marriage. In that case, I invite you to join me in a couples therapy process based on family constellations and distinctions. Together, we will learn to release these influences and build the vision for the marriage you have always dreamed of.

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Sivan Avni – Couples therapy combines family constellation and differentiation.

To get closer again, support with love, and strengthen the bond.