Money and relationships: the mistake every couple makes when talking about money and how to fix it
- סיון אבני
- Nov 20, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Apr 20
What Did You Learn About Money in Childhood, and How Does It Impact Your Relationships Today?
When you think about money, what feelings arise? Does it symbolize security and peace of mind, or does it stir up stress, fear, or limitation? For many, money represents far more than numbers—it’s a deeply emotional language that profoundly shapes our lives, including our romantic relationships.
The emotional impact of the money lessons we absorb in childhood is profound. These lessons shape our mindset, financial behavior, and communication with our partners in adulthood.
Childhood Money Lessons: Yoni and Yael’s Story
Yoni and Yael (pseudonyms), a couple in their 40s, sought therapy due to recurring financial disputes.
When the topic of finances came up, Yael took a deep breath and said, “It feels like we’re speaking two completely different languages. Whenever I suggest spending money on something fun, Yoni tenses up.”Their disagreements often revolved around Yael's desire to enjoy their earnings and create lasting memories, while Yoni's frugality and fear of financial instability led to tension.
Sitting beside her, Yoni added, “I feel like I have to carry everything on my shoulders. If I let go for even a moment, everything will collapse.”
For Yoni, money represented security. For Yael, it symbolized freedom and joy. Their contrasting perspectives stemmed directly from the households in which they grew up.
Talking about money in relationships: Why Is Talking About Money So Challenging for Couples?
Each of us has a unique "financial story"—the attitudes, beliefs, and feelings about money that were passed down to us in childhood.
Ask yourself:
- Did money in your family represent safety and stability, or was it a source of tension and anxiety?
- Were you taught that money is a tool for living well, or something to be constantly fought over or saved for emergencies?
Why money causes tension in relationships and how to solve it
The Connection Between Money, Intimacy, and Trust
Studies show that the financial messages we receive in childhood don’t just affect our bank accounts—they also influence how we form and maintain relationships.
Renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman emphasize the importance of creating "shared meaning" in relationships—common values and goals that unite couples. When couples align on their financial goals and values, they build deeper trust and strengthen their emotional intimacy.
Money, then, isn’t just a physical resource. In relationships, it becomes an emotional language—a means of expressing values, fears, and desires that are often inherited from our families.
For example, Yael and Yoni weren’t arguing about the cost of a vacation. Yael wanted to create family memories, while Yonigrew up in a household where every penny was saved for “rainy days " and was driven by a fear of future scarcity.
The biggest mistakes couples make about finances
The most common mistake couples make is focusing on numbers rather than the emotions and values behind them. Instead of asking, “How can we create security together?” many conversations revolve around logistical questions, such as, “How will we pay for this?”
The good news is that this dynamic can shift. Treating money as a shared language rather than a mere budget can become a tool that brings you closer, not one that drives you apart.
How to Improve Money Conversations in Your Relationship
Practical tools for money conversations in relationships
1. Understand Your Personal Money Story
Before engaging in financial discussions with your partner, you must delve into your financial beliefs and triggers. Understanding your personal money story is a powerful tool that can empower you to take control of your financial behavior and communication.
Personal Exercise: Explore Your Money Mindset
- Time needed: 20–30 minutes.
- Best setting: A quiet, comfortable spot with a notebook and a warm drink.
Reflect on:
1. What did you learn about money in your childhood home?
2. What messages or phrases about money stuck with you?
3. How did conversations about money feel—calm or tense?
4. How do these childhood lessons influence your financial habits today?
Reframe with a Positive Money Belief
Example: Instead of “Money is always a source of stress,” try: “I’m learning that money can bring both security and joy.”
2. Talk About Values, Not Just Numbers
Remember, financial discussions shouldn’t just focus on how much to save or spend. Instead, they should be guided by the shared values that you and your partner hold dear, reassuring you that you are on the right path in your communication.
Couples Exercise: Open Up About Money
- Time needed: 30–45 minutes.
- Ideal setting: A relaxing environment like your favorite café or a quiet walk together.
Steps:
1. Share your personal experiences:
- What role did money play in your childhood home?
- Was it a source of comfort or conflict?
- How do these experiences shape your relationship with money today?
2. Identify shared values:
- What financial values do you both agree on (e.g., balance, generosity, saving for the future)?
- Where do your perspectives differ?
3. Create a shared action step, such as scheduling monthly money check-ins or setting joint savings goals.
3. Use Language That Brings You Closer
The language you use when discussing finances can bridge or widen the gap. Connecting language that fosters understanding and respect can make your partner feel heard and valued in the financial conversation.
Examples of Connecting Language:
- Instead of: “Why did you spend money on that?”
Try: “Let’s talk about how we prioritize our spending.”This language fosters understanding and respect, making your partner feel heard and valued in the financial conversation.
- Instead of: “I’m worried about our finances,”
Say: “How can we work together to feel more secure?”
Daily Affirmations for Financial Harmony
Louise Hay, a pioneer in emotional healing, believed in the transformative power of affirmations. Here are some affirmations to support your financial and emotional growth:
1. “I welcome abundance, peace, and security into my life.”
2. “I release inherited financial fears and choose a new path for myself.”
3. “My partner and I create a healthy, shared financial language.”
4. “Money supports our connection and strengthens our bond.”
By repeating these affirmations daily for 30 days, you can witness their transformative power over your mindset and communication, instilling a sense of hope and optimism in your financial journey.
Money as a Bridge to Intimacy
Money doesn’t have to be a source of conflict. Understanding and intention can become a powerful tool for connection, trust, and shared meaning in your relationship, inspiring and motivating you to work on your financial communication.
By exploring the values behind your financial decisions and approaching money conversations with compassion, you'll foster deeper intimacy with your partner and yourself.
Ready to Strengthen Your Relationship Through Better Financial Communication?
Let’s take this journey together.
I’m here to guide you step by step, blending emotional insight with practical tools for a more connected relationship.
🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation
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