How do family triangles affect your passion?
- Sivan Avni
- Apr 20
- 3 min read
When family triangles invade the bedroom
Sexual intimacy is one of the ways we come closer and unite as a couple. Still, often family triangles unconsciously intrude into our sexual space, disrupting the connection and passion between you. Patterns of dependency, lack of distinction, or a sense of obligation from family triangles can stifle passion and create emotional and physical distance. In this blog article, we will explore how family triangles affect our sexual intimacy and how we can release them to make an intimate space full of passion, closeness, and love.
How do family triangles penetrate our sexual space?
Family triangles can affect our sexual experience in a variety of ways – from the difficulty of expressing our desires and fantasies, to feelings of guilt or shame, to a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Let’s explore three ways in which family triangles can affect sexual intimacy in a couple:
Transferring feelings of shame and guilt from past relationships: If we grew up in a home where sexuality was treated as forbidden or embarrassing, or where a parent tried to control our sexual behavior, we may carry those feelings into our partnership. This can make us feel “forbidden” or “guilty” when we express our needs and desires.
Rigid gender roles and sexual stereotypes: Family triangles can lead us to adopt rigid gender roles around sexuality, such as feeling that we “must” provide pleasure for our partner, or that our own enjoyment doesn’t matter. This kind of dynamic limits our freedom and ability to fully enjoy the sexual experience, replacing passion with obligation.
Difficulty expressing true fantasies and desires: When we find ourselves caught in a triangle, trying to please our partner or avoid conflict, we may be afraid to share our real fantasies, desires, or boundaries. The result is a sexual relationship in which we hide essential parts of ourselves, rather than being present and authentic.
A story from my clinic about Dana and Yoav, who explored the effects of family triangles on their sexual intimacy.
Dana and Yoav experienced a period of sexual distance in their relationship. Dana felt unable to open up sexually, while Yoav felt unable to create a deep sexual connection with her. Their sexual encounter was routine, passionless, and at times frustrating.
In therapy, Dana shared that she grew up in a home where sexuality was an unspoken topic, and she always felt ashamed about her body and needs. In contrast, Yoav grew up in a home where his father overshared his sexual experiences, which made Yoav feel uncomfortable and obligated to prove himself in the sexual space. Couples therapy allowed Dana and Yoav to release the effects of the family triangles from their past. Dana learned to express her desires without feeling ashamed, and Yoav learned to let go of the need to “prove he’s a man” and enjoy the sexual experience for what it is.
Their sexual connection became deep, close, and full of passion.
How can you, too, create sexual intimacy free from the effects of family triangles?
Here are three steps that will allow you to create an authentic, intimate space in your relationship:
Talk about sexuality openly and honestly.
Sit down together and talk about the sexual issues that are causing you difficulty or discomfort. Share your feelings, the effects you feel from the family triangles, and what you would like to experience in your sexual space.
Agree to be exposed in the sexual space.
Sexual diversity includes our ability to be open, vulnerable, and authentic within the sexual experience. Allow yourself to share your fantasies, desires, and boundaries without fear of adverse reaction.
Support each other in dealing with feelings of guilt or shame
If either of you is experiencing feelings of guilt or shame about your sexuality, be there for them. Ask, “How can I help you feel safe?” and be present and supportive.
Couples’ Practice Corner:
This time we’ll practice how to speak about passion
Exercise “Sexual Dialogue”: Sit together and talk about a moment when you felt most sexually connected to each other. What made that moment so special? What would you like to recreate or try again?
Exercise “Presenting the Fantasy”: Each of you will write down a sexual fantasy or experience you’d like to try, and share it with one another. Then look for a way to make the fantasy come true—or find a compromise that suits you both. This will open your sexual space to new ideas and help release old patterns.
Let's summarize:
We saw that family triangles can introduce feelings of shame, guilt, or obligation into our sexual space, stifling passion and intimacy between us. We realized that when we learn to identify and release these influences, we allow ourselves to experience liberated, present, and authentic sexual intimacy.
If you feel that family triangles are affecting your sexual intimacy, I invite you.
🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation
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