How Family Triangles Hold Us Back from Facing Challenges – and How We Can Transform Them into Opportunities for Growth

Crises as crossroads - do we get stuck in a triangle or choose to grow together?

Every relationship experiences crises and changes—whether it’s moving to a new place of residence, the birth of a child, financial difficulties, loss, or a career change. These are moments when the dynamics between the couple are shaken, and often, it’s precisely the moment when family triangles from the past arise and begin to govern our coping with the crisis.

In this article, we will examine how family triangles affect how we deal with crises in our relationships. We will learn how to turn crises into opportunities for growth and strengthen the relationship instead of obstacles that separate us.

How do family triangles affect our dealing with crises in relationships?

Old family patterns begin to resurface when we face crises or relationship changes. We revert to familiar behaviors from family triangles instead of dealing with conflicts directly and healthily.

3 ways in which family triangles affect our dealing with crises in relationships:

1. Searching for an external "savior": When a crisis arises, the triangular pattern may cause us to look for a “savior” outside our relationship system – a good friend, a family member, or even a job. Instead of facing the challenge together, we distance ourselves and direct our energy elsewhere, which gives us a momentary sense of security.

2. Turning your partner into an "enemy" in the fight: In crises, the triangular pattern can lead us to see our partner as the “persecutor” or enemy in the conflict, rather than recognizing them as partners in the challenge. We look for “proof” that they caused the difficulties, thus avoiding taking joint responsibility for the solution.

3. Using your spouse or children as a "distraction": Sometimes, when we don’t want to deal with the crisis, we tend to focus on other conflicts, like getting into petty arguments with our spouse or putting all our attention on the kids. This allows us to avoid the pain or fear that comes with the real crisis, but also prevents us from dealing with the problem healthily and openly.

---

The story of Michal and Dodi: How did the family triangles manage their dealings with an economic crisis?

Michal and Dodi came to therapy after facing a severe financial crisis. Dodi's business unexpectedly closed, and they were forced to deal with debt and lose their sense of economic security. Instead of coming together and coping, Michal felt she had to "save" Dodi and the family and began working overtime. On the other hand, Dodi withdrew into himself and stopped sharing his thoughts and feelings.

It turned out that Michal grew up in a family where her father always had to "save" everyone, and she adopted that role. She felt that if she didn't do everything she could to keep the family together, she would let them down. On the other hand, my uncle grew up in a family where the word "crisis" was taboo, and he learned to detach and hide his feelings during challenging moments.

Through therapy, Michal and Dodi realized that they were essentially reliving the family triangles from the past and that every time a conflict arose, they returned to old patterns. After identifying these patterns, they could begin sharing their real fears and concerns and face the crisis together from a place of support and connection.

---

How can we release family triangles and turn crises into opportunities for growth in a relationship?

Three steps to changing patterns and turning crises into growth:

1. Identify the triple pattern that guides you through a crisis: When dealing with a situation, sit down and ask yourself: Am I looking for an outside “savior”? Do I see my partner as the enemy in the conflict? Am I using others as a distraction to avoid coping? Awareness of the pattern is the first step to releasing it.

   
   

2. Create an open dialogue about your fears and concerns: Crises arouse fears and anxieties in us, and instead of repressing them, it's essential to talk about them together. Discuss what scares you about this crisis, and how you would like your partner to support you.

   
   

3. Turn the crisis into an opportunity to build marital resilience: See the crisis as an opportunity to deepen your bond. Commit to working together, create a joint action plan, and remind yourself that the goal is not to find "blame" but to grow and become stronger together as a couple.

Couples Practice Corner:

How to Turn Crisis into Relationship Resilience

1. Exercise: "Talking About Our Fears" -

   Sit down together and write down three things that scare you about the current crisis. Then, share your fears and ask your partner how they can support you. This exercise invites vulnerability and openness and can help bring you closer together.

   
   

2. Exercise: "Joint Action Plan." -

   Instead of trying to solve the crisis separately, sit down together and write a joint action plan to face the situation as a team. Define the steps each of you will take, and commit to supporting one another.

Let's summarize:

How can family triangles be released and crises dealt with as we can turn a team?

Family triangles can prevent us from dealing with crises in a direct, honest, and connected way. But when we identify these patterns and learn to release them, we allow ourselves to deal with crises from a place of partnership, resilience, and mutual support.

Instead of looking for an outside "savior," turning our partner into an "enemy," or using others as a distraction, we can see a crisis as an opportunity to grow together. Thus, we can turn every difficulty into a source of closeness, trust, and love.

If you feel that family triangles are holding you back from dealing with crises in your relationship, I invite you to join me.

---

🪬🪬🧄🧅Sivan Avni - Systemic Process-Oriented Couple Constellation