Differentiation in relationships - How do family triangles affect our ability to be separate and still connected?

Sivan Avni
May 4
4 min read

What is differentiation, and how do family triangles challenge it?

The concept of “differentiation” refers to our ability to maintain our unique and personal identity within a relationship, without completely merging with our partner or distancing ourselves from them in a way that prevents intimacy. This is one of the most essential components of creating an intense, intimate, and fulfilling couple bond. However, the 'family triangles' of our families of origin, a term used to describe the complex and often unconscious emotional dynamics between three family members, can usually hinder our ability to maintain differentiation in our relationships.

In this article, we will explore how family triangles affect our relationship discernment and learn how to develop true discernment that allows us to be ourselves and connect in relationships.

How do family triangles harm the differences in our relationships?

Family triangles can make us feel trapped in patterns of dependency, victimization, or saving others, making it difficult for us to establish factual distinctions within our relationship system.

Family triangles can harm relationships in three main ways:

Inability to be ourselves without fear of criticism or rejection
Sometimes we are afraid to be too different from our partner or to present our unique needs and desires, for fear of not being accepted or being hurt. We learned this pattern within our family triangles, where any attempt to deviate from the family framework was met with resistance or criticism.
The feeling of emotional responsibility towards your partner
When we are in the role of "caretaker" or "rescuer" within a relationship, we may feel that our partner's happiness depends on us, and that we must satisfy their needs and feelings. This impairs our ability to be separate and authentic, and puts us in a cycle of emotional dependency.
The need to avoid conflicts at all costs
Family triangles often encourage us to avoid conflict to maintain family peace. As a result, we may be afraid to express a different opinion or raise troubling issues in our relationship, thus giving up our independence and uniqueness.

Roni and Amit learned to be separate and connected in their relationship

Roni and Amit experienced a crisis in their relationship. Roni felt like she was "losing herself" in the relationship. She always tried to be "the perfect woman," who understood, supported, and gave in to keep Amit happy. Amit felt Roni was suffocating him and needed space to breathe.

In the process, we saw how their family past was present within the relationship. We affected the dynamics between them: Roni grew up in a family where she always had to be the "responsible adult," who supported her siblings and mother after her parents separated. Amit's family interfered excessively in his life and did not allow him to express his desires.

When Roni and Amit understood the effects of their family triangles, they were able to begin to develop their distinctions within the relationship. Roni learned how to set boundaries and express her needs. Amit knew how to respect Roni's personal space and connect with her from a place of freedom and authenticity.

How can you develop differentiation and simultaneously create a separate and connected relationship?

Here are three steps to developing true intimacy in a relationship:

Discovering who I am within the relationship
Sit down together and ask yourself:
Agree to accept and accommodate differences.
True diversity is expressed in our ability to accept the differences between ourselves and our partners. Instead of trying to change or fix the other person, recognize that these differences make the relationship more interesting and fulfilling.
To practice separation without disconnecting
Incorporate activities or hobbies you do alone into your life and share them with your partner. Learn to enjoy your space and alone time, knowing you can always return and share your experiences with your partner.

Couples Practice Corner

Exercise: "Personal Space in the Relationship":
Sit together, and each of you writes down three activities you enjoy alone. Then, share your lists with each other and commit to making time for your individual activity during the coming week.
Exercise: "Who Am I Within the Relationship?":
Each of you writes down three things that define who you are as a person within the relationship. Share these, and talk about how you can support each other in being your true selves in the relationship.

Summary:

How do family triangles affect our differences in relationships, and how can we create connected separation?

Family triangles can impair our ability to be separate and authentic within a relationship, leading us into patterns of dependency or self-nullification. However, once we learn to release their effects and develop true distinctness, we can experience a deep, fulfilling, and loving relationship in which we can be both ourselves and part of a couple. This journey of growth and change is a hopeful one.

Suppose you feel that family triangles are holding you back from being yourself in a relationship. In that case, I invite you to a process where we will learn how to develop factual distinctions and create a separate and connected couple relationship. This understanding and the steps you take to overcome these challenges will empower you and put you in control of your relationship dynamics.

Sivan Avni – Couples therapy combines family constellation and differentiation.