Family triangles: How does our family influence our marital choices?
- סיון אבני
- May 11
- 4 min read
When we think about making decisions in our relationships – where to live, how to raise our children, or how to manage our finances – we sometimes think we’re doing it with a balanced, logical, and independent mindset. But in fact, the influence of the family triangles we grew up in can dictate how we approach and deal with decisions in our relationships, without us even realizing it.
This article explored how family triangles dictate the way we make decisions in our relationships—when we tend to avoid conflicts, when we try to please, and how we can regain authentic choice, which reflects our true desires and those of our partner.
How do family triangles affect our marital decision-making?
Growing up in families with family triangles—places where we had to mediate between parents, please them, or even run away from family arguments—we learned patterns of behavior that continue to accompany us into adulthood. When we operate in our relationships from these childhood patterns, we may relinquish our desires, fear conflict, or turn to a third party for approval.
3 common patterns of the influence of family triangles on decision-making in relationships:
Contacting parents for approval on significant decisions:
Suppose you grew up in a family where you had to maintain close ties with one of your parents to deal with family triangles. In that case, you may find yourself in your current relationship turning to your mom or dad whenever you need to make a big decision. This turn to them may seem innocent, but it prevents us from taking full responsibility for our choices with our partner and introduces a third party into our marital space.
Avoiding conflicts and trying to please:
If you grew up in a family where every conflict was tumultuous or unresolved, you may avoid situations with potential conflict in your relationship. The result is that instead of authentically expressing your desires, you try to please your partner to prevent friction, and thus give up your right to truly influence shared decisions.
Preference for "parental ways" over finding solutions as a couple:
When family triangular patterns are involved, we may cling to our parents’ ways of doing things, even if they don’t suit us or our relationship. This could be in how we handle money, raise our children, or even celebrate the holidays – we replicate our family patterns instead of finding a unique marital path that works for us.
A story from the clinic:
How did the family triangles influence Sharon and Elad's marital decision-making?
Sharon and Elad (pseudonyms) came to me for couples therapy, complaining that they couldn’t agree on major decisions—from which city to live in to how to raise their oldest son. Sharon was convinced they should move closer to her parents to be near their grandparents, while Elad felt it would be better to live somewhere that would allow them to be more independent.
Sharon grew up in a family where her parents depended emotionally on her. The family triangles taught Sharon that maintaining closeness and identification with her parents was the "right" way to behave.
Elad grew up in a family where his parents were hardly involved in his life. He was used to being independent and making his own decisions.
Couples therapy helped Sharon understand that she was acting out of a pattern of wanting to please her parents and not out of her and her new family's actual needs. Elad learned to allow himself to trust the relationship and seek out meaningful decisions together, instead of feeling like he had to fight for his independence.
With the help of the following three steps, you can regain control over decision-making in your relationship.
Awareness of triangular patterns in decision-making:
Sit down with your partner and examine: When and how do you tend to turn to your parents or other people for approval on your decisions? Do you avoid conflicts or try to please the other person? Once you identify these patterns, you can begin to break free from them.
Practicing joint couple decision-making:
Commit to discussing every major decision between you, even if it takes time and effort. Try to understand what each of you truly wants and what is important to you as a couple. Find ways to reach an agreement that works for both of you.
Setting boundaries with third parties:
Agree together not to involve your parents or friends in your relationship decisions. Set clear boundaries between you: what belongs in your relationship and what remains outside it. This is a way to regain control of your married life.
Couples Practice Corner
Exercise: Decision-Making Dialogue:
Sit together and choose one decision you need to make soon. Each of you shares what truly matters to you in this decision, then discuss how to reach a solution that honors both of your needs.
Exercise: Reclaiming Your Power:
Each of you writes down three recent decisions to please someone else (a parent, partner, child). Then, commit to making your next decision from a place of authenticity.
Exercise: Intergenerational Dialogue:
Sit together and imagine a conversation with your parents where you explain that you are now taking full responsibility for the decisions you make in your relationship. This is an internal exercise, but it can help you loosen emotional ties and step into your authority.
Summary:
How can we break free from family triangles and regain control over our relationships?
Family triangles can guide us through even the biggest choices of our lives, but once we recognize them, we have the power to begin to let go. Identifying our patterns, practicing communication and shared decision-making, and setting healthy boundaries can all help us build relationships in which the choices we make come from a place of genuine connection rather than external influence.
Want to discover how to regain control over your choices in your relationship? I invite you to a couples therapy process based on family constellations and distinctions, where we can begin the journey to reclaim your choice.
Sivan Avni – Couples therapy combines family constellation and differentiation.
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